If you like this, keep it to yourself

Japecake on WordPress.com has alerted me to something which has been on the peripheral of my thoughts lately. We are fast becoming a race of ‘likes’. This phenomenon is mostly visible on Crackbook (more commonly known as Facebook).

There is even an identifiable sub-culture of ‘likers’: people who never say anything or interact with you other than ‘liking’ something you do on the Social Media Giant. These are the ‘friends’ that ‘like’ that you just got a promotion (instead of saying congratulations), they ‘like’ the picture you posted of a cute puppy (that’s nauseatingly cheesey and lame) and they ‘like’ that a car has run over your foot and you are in hospital (thanks, Liker – that’s great).

And we as social creatures actually care about these ‘likes’. In business, we care about how many people ‘like’ our page, and as writers we care about how many people ‘like’ our latest piece, thus spreading it all over the internet like a virus. We care about how many hits our websites get and we need to have a lot of followers and friends on whatever social media network we are using – or all of them.

If we were Peacocks, the number of likes we have on a statement made online would be the equivalent of fanning our glorious tails. On the other hand, if we were baboons, it would be the same as being a female in heat, flaunting our bright red bottoms at the male baboon.

The Wall Street Journal posted an article on this too. This suggests that we all have fake online identities because we are so determined to get likes and comments. We need anything we post to be re-Tweeted and Stumbled Upon. Diggs and Reddits help too. We don’t care if it is vomit in someone else’s newsfeed. We care about that cute male baboon sniffing our bum.

During a busy few weeks, I was very inactive on my blog. I don’t know how many people noticed. During these few weeks I stopped obsessively checking my blog stats to see if anyone else was reading. To be honest, there was no significant impact on my life. I was working harder and after a few days I stopped thinking about ‘likes’ on my Facebook status and stats on my blog. They really make no difference. In fact, I was probably more inspired and more of an individual during that time because I wasn’t thinking about my next update or blog post. I was just me and I was being me in the real world.

My witty Facebook status updates are to provoke thought and make people laugh. My mobile uploads, blog posts and tweets are to keep people I don’t see up to date on what’s happening in my life or to share memories with those included. This means we’ll have more time for real talk and memories when we get together again. Small talk is boring.

I don’t get paid to write this blog, so it doesn’t really matter how many people read it. I don’t have time to write for money and besides, I don’t want to kill my hobby. I don’t have advertisers on this page, so who cares how many page impressions this page sees. I am glad that you are reading this, but let’s be honest, our lives are not changed by you reading with what I wrote.

The Internet is Useless

I’m doing a little research on the internet at the moment. Or is it Google? I forget which one is more powerful.

I started out looking for brand acquisitions and examples of company mergers. I somehow ended up on:

KFC Cruelty

International Business Cards Collectors

PETA

When I looked for brands that have gained impressive market share I ended up looking at ‘How Datsun Became Nissan ‘ and I would like to read ‘Reality is Broken’ once I get through the ten books lying next to my bed (and the three in my car) that still need some of my attention.

Between all of that I have read a large amount of insightful blogs and articles that are actually a waste of my time at this stage.

I think the internet is being a tease. It won’t give me what I want.

On my lunch break I did a search for Hegre Nudes and decided not to access the site at work. When I clicked on the ‘leave’ button I was redirected to something completely unrelated to anything.

I have achieved absolutely nothing today.

Junk Mail II

Since I am on a bit of a ‘junk mail’ trip these days, I thought I would continue…

Old school junk mail

I think the Internet is very clever. However, I don’t think spammers are.

... and delete

I couldn’t really be bothered to do the research myself, but I am very curious of what the success rate if for spam. But somewhere, in a mouldy basement, a fat and pale man must be punching the air because someone wants to buy ‘90% off Valium’ and he’s finally made a sale and contact with another human being.

Or his ‘Lucrative Business Proposal’ begging for your bank details has been read and he gets to clear out a few bank accounts and become a fat and tanned man on a beach.

But I suppose the point of spam is to send out mass and random messages. This would explain why none of the junk mail I get is in anyway appealing to me.

I can honestly say that I don’t want to enlarge my penis. I don’t lie awake at night wondering if Cialis is better for my ED than Viagra – but it doesn’t really matter because I qualify for a 99.9% discount on both – so either option is as good as free. I don’t want to buy a $50.00 genuine replica watch. And I don’t really want to invest in oil, private banks, penguin droppings etc. Finally, I get flirtatious e-cards from unknown sources at least three times a week. So, either I have a stalker or the internet wants to go out with me.

The alternative to Viagra

And while I do sometimes read junk mail (because I like to judge people for poor grammar and sometimes the subject line does not reveal enough) I never follow through. Except for that one time when I wrote back:

Hahaha. You can’t be serious! Does anyone actually fall for this?

Paul Bruce Christine Johnathan Daisy Woodstock never bothered to get back to me. How rude.