I have this fantasy where I live in an apathetic society.
It’s possible to buy marshmallow chocolate eggs again. They come in strip packs or can be purchased individually. They aren’t particularly tasty, and we have about 50 left in the office from last year. The synthetic, sugary insides have become so hard that the eggs can be used as weapons. Or as building material for some uninspired architect that doesn’t want to be awesome and design an eco-friend Hobbit House.
It looks a little like building material... If you tilt your head a bit.
Between that and the heart shaped sweets for Valentines day, I have no idea what to celebrate (and by celebrate I mean waste my money on) anymore. Two weeks ago, shops still had Christmas decor up. Now they are plugging romance and bunnies. Consumers don’t even get a holiday to recover from the excessive Christmas spending before they feel forced to get into the next big event.
Here are some special day and special day related facts:
Jesus wasn’t born on the 25th of December.
The Easter Bunny isn’t real.
Chocolate makes you fat.
And when I see a lot of the colour red, I think about meat. So, all I actually want to do most of the time is eat lamb chops and bacon. I don’t want to buy chocolates or roses. I don’t want diamond earrings or perfume. I wouldn’t mind a unicorn, but this is the appropriate time of the year.
This does not make me want to take my clothes off
But why can’t we all just live? Why do we always have to prepare for some occasion?
Since my birthday is around Christmas time, no one really takes much notice. This suits me fine, because I don’t like all the sentimental rubbish surrounding birthdays, except for the fact that when you age you get presents and there is one thing I want more than anything else in the entire universe.
I am 26 years old and I still want a unicorn. It is so bad that every single time someone tells me they got me a gift, I get super excited because I’m hoping it might be a unicorn.
I want a unicorn more than I want oxygen
Before you go off and call Tara or snigger to yourself about how ridiculous I am, please take note that your mother put the money under your pillow when you lost a tooth (she still has your tooth, where’s your R5?) and your farther is Santa Clause (he likes beer better than elves). And I am very aware that unicorns do not exist.
This is a source of serious distress for me because unicorns are awesome and my life would be complete if I had one. Especially the one that lives in my head (the same head that knows the Eater Bunny doesn’t exist either).
Unicorns are fiercely independent. Unlike a real pony (and I have one, so I know this), they do not need you to feed them. I don’t even know what unicorns eat, because they feed themselves. It’s in the unicorn manual that I wrote in my head. The same manual will explain how you don’t have to stable your unicorn in winter and it doesn’t need to be groomed. When you want to play with it, you call it by rubbing the special necklace it gave you when it decided to be your unicorn.
So, if I got stuck in traffic, I could call my unicorn to take me to work. Or, even better, to a client meeting. Imagine the reputation you would have for riding a unicorn? It’s way more impressive than a Ferrari. And because you’re thinking it, I’m going to say it: unicorns are rare. I would be the only person with a unicorn. But that’s probably because I want one so badly I could actually imagine one until it materialized.
And just like that, by having a unicorn as a BFF I would never have to worry about a hangover ever again. The horn of a unicorn neutralizes poison.
Unicorns come standard with cool powers
My unicorn wouldn’t care that I’m not a blonde virgin either.
If I had a unicorn and you were to piss me off I would get MY unicorn to stab you in the face. Because no one wants to be stabbed in the face, I would get my way all the time. Is there anything better than having your way all the time? Nope – there isn’t. Because of this, IF I had a unicorn I could decide whether or not I want to rule the world. I don’t really want to, but I do want the option.
This is what you'll look like after my unicorn stabs you
The world would be a better place if I had a unicorn. No one can argue with me on this one. And if you do, I’ll cry. And it won’t be the first time I cry because I don’t have a unicorn. But I’m wishing hard and I’m doing it all the time, so, maybe one day. Think about that and how much it will hurt to be stabbed by a unicorn.
Time speeds up as you get older, but 2010 crawled by while moving along rapidly. A bit of basic math would say that it’s just stagnant, and hasn’t gone forward or backward. And I am over it. I’m tired and irritable and I just want to go on leave.
This is made worse by two things.
The first is the stack of Christmas cards I have had sent to my inbox. Each one is about 2mb in size. And every time I think it’s an important proposal coming in. But it’s not. It’s some lame Merry Christmas. And I hate Christmas.
I think these cards are really insensitive too. What about the people who do not celebrate Christmas? Like Jewish people and people who see it as an annoying commercial exercise that fills the malls and is a bad excuse to spend money? No one ever asked me if I want to be on the Christmas mailing list, or even what my religious affiliation is. And it’s nothing – I am completely indifferent (and it isn’t easy, because you can’t escape Christmas).
The second thing annoying me at the moment is Wikileaks. Because it’s everywhere and it’s boring now. The news broke a while ago and now every freaking online journalist is writing about it. Each one trying to out-do the other with a more controversial stance. I get a lot of newsletters every day and I try and spend a bit of time reading generic news, but it’s everywhere all the time.
Sure, Wikileaks is interesting and raises a lot of debates. But when something is overdone, much like 2010, I just become indifferent and want it to go away.
I’m just going to hang in there and try contain the steam coming out of my ears until Friday. Because then, except for the occasional blog post and obsessive blog stat checking, I am plunging myself into a media black hole and I don’t want to know about anything until I come out at the other end refreshed. At least, I’m hoping to be refreshed.
Antithetical 