Aliens Exist

Apparently The X-Files is more fact than fiction. The FBI have made documents available to the public on UFO crashes, sightings etc.

They're here...

I have never doubted that aliens exist. The universe is that massive and chances are, somewhere out there a perfect set of conditions and circumstances resulted in the evolution of complex creatures capable of all sorts of exciting things. What they would want with our little planet is beyond me, but they exist. And they can travel through space – probably at the speed of light, or by using worm holes or something.

Hello alien friend, welcome to Earth. There's not much to see here, go probe some other planet.

So a lot of Americans are not paranoid. And Chris Carter was on to a thing or two and he’s a genius that can see the future. And the FBI really does investigate hyper-cool cases.

In fact, the FBI Vault (which contains FBI Documents that are available to the public) has an entire Unexplained Phenomenon section. There is a PDF on Extra – Sensory Perception. And one on Animal Mutilation – like the Mexican Goat Sucker episode in the X-files which I rather enjoy. Or the cows which are attacked by vampires.

And the documents in the Vault are probably legitimate, because the Majestic 12 file has BOGUS written all over it.

My entire world has changed. Stuff like this exists! Tokoloshes and mermaids are very likely real. I feel like a kid again.

Fuck this media career bullshit – I’m going to become an FBI Agent.

FBI Hall
This will be my office
Aliens Exist

Sitcoms? Seriously!

TV changed the world. It changed family life and eating habits. Hell, they even produced instant meals so that people can spend more time in front of the TV. And now, decades later, we are offered visual stimulation in 3D and high definition. We live in a world where if you don’t have a screen that can take over a whole wall, you’re a bit of a loser. And then there are things you can add to that, like a Wii (my god, who thought of that name?) and a PS2 which can connect to the internet and everything. I think…

It's still not big enough

The truth is: TV puts me to sleep. 10 minutes in front of the box and it’s lights out for Lee. However, now and then a series will grab me and I’ll manage to see it out. And then, since downloads and trading data is the new black, I marathon the series. And there are a few good ones out there.

Ask anyone I know and they will say, yes, Lee likes the X-Files. A lot. I have every single one of the 201 episodes, and I have watched them all at least twice, some episodes more than that. I did the math, 201 episodes of The X-Files is equal to just over two weeks of viewing, no breaks, no sleep. So I have spent at least four months of my life in sci-fi ecstasy.

Mulder, Scully and Chris Carter: I heart you so much!

But this is about sitcoms. I can write about Mulder-face and Scully’s running ability some other time. The X-Files is without a doubt the holy grail of television.

One of the biggest hits at the moment is a series called ‘How I Met Your Mother’. And it’s actually a little funny, but there are a few concerns.

That sofa... I should know better!

Firstly, TV is where the modern individual identifies a role model. And the hero is Ted.

Ted wants to get married. And that is all there really is to Ted. The series kicks off with him telling his friends the story about how he met their mother. But to get there he needs to tell them about every single woman he dated and slept with.

As a daughter, I’ll be honest; I don’t really care about who my parents shagged before each other. And then they didn’t actually shag each other anyway. I was conceived by osmosis or some other scientific manoeuvre.  They didn’t touch each other, and that’s a fact.

Why is he telling them this stuff? You want the honest answer? Well, it’s to make the production and distribution company millions. His kids really don’t care one tiny bit.

So Ted is annoying and is breaking down many of the traditional stereotypes women and men once believed about men. All this guy wants is to fall in love and get married, and as any regular reader knows, that’s what men want these days. So just like that ‘How I Met Your Mother’ has changed the world. That, and the cheesy life lessons the viewer gets from each episode. And I no longer know how to categorize men because my original beliefs have been destroyed.

If a face ever said 'kick me', then this is it.

But it has moments of funny. If it weren’t for the Cock-a-Mouse episode I would have tuned out before the first season was done. Ted really pisses me off! And Marshal and Lily, are you kidding me? Robin is mediocre, but I do like Barney. I would love a night out with him – laser tag, cigar lounge? Yes, please. But thank god I’m not in that series, because the writers would make me sleep with him and wake up heart broken and feeling used, because all his hook-ups feel that way.


Next up is ‘Scrubs’. The only reason I can tolerate this show is because Dr Cox is seven different types of sexy and Janitor makes my day. The rest of the characters are annoying after season one. It’s as if the writers ran out of ideas. They even sap Dr Cox of his essence! How could they and what’s the point?

It had so much potential

Again, cheesy life lessons are imparted. The same ones I learnt in ‘Will & Grace’ ten years ago and the same ones are repeated in ‘How I Met Your Mother’. Seriously? If I’m going to watch TV, I don’t want to learn anything (unless it’s on Top Gear), so back off already! Just make me laugh, damnit!

I am one of the few who missed out on the whole ‘Friends’ cult movement. I have never made it through an entire episode. I find each and every character irritating to the point where I would rather listen to rave music. And this makes me unpopular and I have to go sit in a corner at parties when this show comes up in conversation.

Look at that, not one cutie in the bunch!

I’ve probably missed a few here – but I’m still holding a torch for those sitcoms from my early teenage years – ‘The Nanny’, ‘Major Dad’ and a few others, it was years ago. And I do appreciate those old school classics like ‘The Golden Girls’ and ‘Who’s the Boss’.

So what happened? Where did the humour-that-never-grows-old go? Why do I have to entertain myself watching people pursue romance and nothing else? Cartoon comedy is in a league of its own and has no place here… But why can’t some media giant produce a comedy that is timelessly funny, with characters worthy of crushing on that don’t sell out and become heaps of steaming, melted cheese?

This is what a sitcom really looks like

When I watch a sitcom I at least want to want to have their life.  I don’t want to laugh because the humour is so obvious it punches you in the face. I want to follow a sitcom because I can relate to the characters, or I at least find them endearing in some way. I am bored with watching a show and hoping for something to happen; I want TV to guarantee something will happen. And I want my comedy to be intelligent. And having said that, I think I’ve satisfied myself… It’s probably not going to happen.

I guess that explains everything
Sitcoms? Seriously!

This is Not Goodbye, Just a ‘See You Later’

This is going to sound like a love letter, and it is in a way. I have formed a deep connection with an amazing person and there is a slight emptiness where she used to be.

Last Friday was Justine’s last day.

You may remember her as being on my Best of April 2010 list, affectionately known as the Empress of the Unusual. I always knew she was leaving and had about six weeks to prepare. So Friday was easy and Monday was hard. I didn’t cry, until I got to the office to start my week without her. She had cleared out her desk over the weekend and I no longer had someone to make coffee for. My heart broke.

The silence in the office hurts me. Before there would always be the sound of her typing (at about 163 wpm), and in her last week, a remarkable amount of coughing. Now all I hear is the traffic and I miss her desperately. For the first time in my life I am pining for another human being.

When I started working at Alphabet Soup, I wasn’t sure we would get along. The first few days were tentative explorations of each other. I was to spend a lot of time with her –shadowing, they call it. Then one day one important fact was revealed: she’s an X-Phile. The next few days were spent quoting X-Files at each other. It turns out we share a sense of humour and soon our working days were filled with laughter. We moved on from talking about sci-fi to life and many other things.

We bonded quickly and tightly. She is the older sister I never had. We overlap in many ways while being completely different from one another. Justine is a remarkable woman. She’s sharp as a needle point, an ab workout, a kind, patient mentor and a solid, valued friend. I learnt so much from her in our time as collegues and I’m going to use this knowledge for a long time to come. I will continue to learn from her, yet in a different capacity. She might not know this, but she has an inner strength and fortitude that inspires me. I am glad she is in my life and we will move from a relationship of work friends to social friend. If she’s not up for it, I will convince her otherwise.

She is not a crutch and I can do my job without her. This does not take away the longing. She is my friend and I love her. She has my back and is a phone call away. I have her back and when I am less exhausted I will prove that I am an excellent wing-woman. And I know she is going to do great things, because she is thoroughly awesome. She has touched my life in a way I would never have expected and I am grateful. And I am pleased that it doesn’t have to end in the office.

I hope her new company hooks her up with some technology soon, because I feel there is a gap in my life without being able to communicate with her every three minutes between 08:00 and 17:00.

This is Not Goodbye, Just a ‘See You Later’