No children please

I don’t like children.

They scare the living daylight out of me. They spread disease. They make a lot of noise. They have freakishly small hands and feet, that are always covered in some questionable brown substance.

Dirty Child
Sometimes they are completely covered in brown stuff. It's highly disturbing.

And children LOVE me. They are like heat seeking missiles, and I’m hot stuff. And I can’t even beat them off me, because that’s illegal.

You can see why this is a problem. That’s why I have made this collection of signs. I would like these to be put up everywhere I like to go.

Especially not if they have water guns.


The pets can stay. I honestly don't mind dogs jumping and drooling on me.
No Candy
When you give children sugar, you're asking for trouble. And they like to wipe their hands on me.
No Exceptions
I will tell them scary stories and you'll have to deal with the nightmares.
Children Breathing
Excellent! I'll rev my engine!
Please buy more birth control
I'm gunning for a high score
Hyperactive Children
I will do this, because misery loves company
No caption required
Because that's what parent do


No children please

5 thoughts on “No children please

  1. Brilliant! I love this post, Lee 🙂 Made me ROFL – what a great start to the day!

    I have the same thing with dogs – they just LOVE me – big ones, hairy ones, skinny ones – they sniff and slobber and wag and follow me everywhere 🙂

    1. I’m loved by children, dogs and cats.

      I can never escape their notice when I leave the house. It can be problematic at times.

      I sort of like children, but usually the ones that are similar to what I was like as a child: quiet and imaginative.

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