My housemate’s girlfriend has a Staffordshire Terrier. It has the ridiculous name of Le Reeche, looks a bit like a frog and is one of the primary causes of global warming. This little dog produces so much wind, I often consider not feeding her to make it stop. And since I take care of Le Reeche when my housemate and her owner go away, I could actually do something about climate change.
I feed her anyway and on a Sunday evening I take her out for a bit of exercise.
Le Reeche is quite an old dog, but she’s a very enthusiastic walker. She motors ahead of me, strutting like only a Staffy can and ignores everything around her. She doesn’t stop to sniff shrubs or trees, she just waddles along ahead of me and this causes a serious problem. Exercise generates doggy gas. And since I’m in her slipstream, it’s difficult to escape.
When I said she is a major greenhouse gas contributor, I was not fooling around. If she lets one rip, it finds its way into the next room. It’s so bad that I am frightened to light a match anywhere near her in case it causes an explosion. Gas masks should be standard issue around this dog.
I was grateful when she lost her initial enthusiasm and energy and settled down to walk next to me. I kept the pace brisk to avoid any further encounters with her potent emissions and felt sorry for anything downwind of her.
Since I was no longer struggling to find breathable air I noticed something else: there are many dogs in the neighbourhood and I haven’t seen or heard them before.
And each and every one of these dogs finds a stranger walking a dog very suspicious. So not only does walking Le Reeche damage the ozone layer, it also destroys an otherwise peaceful evening. I was hoping for a relaxing stroll, but just ended up feeling guilty.
What I find strange is that these dogs never bark at me in the morning when I go running. I don’t know if they are the type to sleep in or what, but surely someone running past at 05:30am is a greater threat than someone walking past, with a dog, in the late afternoon? I don’t hang out in crime circles, but I’m pretty sure burglars don’t take their pets with them when they rob a house.
Another thing I noticed is that people are terrified of Le Reeche. When they see her coming they move to the other side of the road. If they have dogs, they tighten the leashes and move to the other side of the road. Speeding cars move to the other side of the road.
I think this is fantastic, and I might take her with me the next time I go to the bank.
And yes, I am aware that her breed has a bad reputation, but I honestly feel they should warn people of the old-age-emissions before they scare them with jaw-locking horror stories. Le Reeche is honestly not interested in eating your Schnauzer.
I think she has it in for polar bears though. And after this weekend I know she is more than capable of making them extinct.